Moved to ethereal-fervor.blogspot.com

Labels: the end

It's the things that I tell myself that get me through the bad times. And when the words don't work, my self-esteem seems to take a one-way plunge to the bottom of the sea. So my words have to work.

I will get through this. I will be alright. I always survive. Always.

Been in really deep shit these past few weeks. Swore to myself I won't let it happen to me again but wait, my brain refuses to switch on to full throttle mode to manage myself between SCHOOL WORK, work as chairman for Poly50 and actual work. I need to keep to my damn schedules!!!!

Apart from that, yes it's another episode of heart/love/feeling issues... Sigh when will this ever stop?

I really don't know if I do like him, or not. The fact that we've been in really close contact these couple of weeks, physically and maybe, emotionally, is quite enough to make me think about what kind of relationship we actually have. Explicitly, we are just friends but to me, I feel that it could go to more than friends if I let it be. Haha after the previous episode, I wouldn't want a relapse of the same thing, especially since I know this current person is a major player (everyone agrees, no fight there).

In this case, my brain fully has control of my heart. I've just been playing along with the words and hearts thrown around, like the guys who talk to me always do. And honestly, it feels less burdensome to think that 'hey these hearts are not gonna mean anything one day so don't put your damn hope on it'. I feel bad sometimes but that guilt doesn't last long.

What got me wondering if I really do like him is when I actually started to legitly dream about him, at least once every 2-3 nights. Creepy? Yes I think so too. And in every dream, he's a cameo in a different role. Like just the other night, he was my long lost elder brother in a family drama. What is up with that? I did have an infatuation with him before but it lasted only a couple of days, nothing substantial.

Man I need to get this shit figured out and my shit together. It's just haywire.

Closure.







I blasted this song in sports club yesterday and people were surprised that I like raps like these. I do, hahah I do like to surprise people. So yes, this song has been on replay like 678231963701 times, maybe even more hahaha
- 
ok fine the reason I needed to blog is cause I think I'm done with ranting on my twitter. Too many people follow me there, I don't need the whole world to know the shit I face through. But then again, the shit I face might not be as bad as others do, though it's slowly killing me.
-
I'm always there for the people who need me. I'm willing to go down anywhere to cheer them up, skip class for them, sing for them, make them laugh, but honestly, everyone that I've done that for, how many of you have done the same for me?

 I've only remembered once, and she made it a point to come all the way to near my house when I just called her (maybe I was sobbing) and all I had to do was say 'Can I meet you now? I really really need to talk to someone right now' and she didn't ask much and said 'Where are you now? I'm at Jurong, I'll be there as soon as I can.' Only once, and that time, it enforced my belief that she's truly a friend to have for life, and right now I'm missing you like bad, but I don't want to disturb you while you're focusing on school.

And then too many other times I met the person to their convenience to cheer them up, not even having to bat an eyelid because I know they need someone to be there, beside them at that time. I know how it feels to feel like a hollow stuck in the middle of this world, with absolutely no one to rely on, just feeling really lost and confused and hopeless. I know. That's why I made it a point that none of my most loved ones should never feel like that, no matter the time, distance and my personal situation.

 But when I need to spend time with them the most? Hah, don't even think about it Aki. People can rely on you for their happiness, but you? You can never rely too much on anyone, even if they say 'you know you can tell me anything!' They are always busy. We're all busy. Everyone's fucking busy. Well then. Fuck this man, I'm going to deal on my own. How even what ever. What it takes, I will figure out how to do this shit ok. On my own. Cause everyone else is just so motherfucking busy with their fucking school, their fucking work, fucking other friends. Fine sure, like I'm not.

 It's fucking tiring sometimes to always give people advice and try so hard to cheer them up when my own life is a fucked up mess. I don't even believe in myself anymore and as I'm typing this, my throat's all choked up and my tears are threatening to spill. It's always me for myself.

Has been, is and will always be. And this time, no more encouragement for myself. I'm just gonna say 'fuck this shit, kill it and maybe kill yourself at the same, if you even dare to.'

ok bye that was highly depressing.
-
I am really dying inside but these words probably mean nothing to you.

Labels: what is this

So I decided to give Farhan a surprise call on Friday night (take note that he does not have my number but I have his)

Me: HIIII GUESS WHOOOOO
Farhan: I think you've got the wrong number...
Me: Isn't this Farhan? (I recognised his voice)
Farhan: uhhhhh who's Farhan? I think you got the wrong number.
Me: Ok fine isn't this Andi Dakota? (that's his fb name btw haha)
Farhan: LOL YES HAHA WHO IS THIS
Me: hahahahhaahha idiot I asked you to guess!
Farhan: I REALLY DON'T KNOW
Me: it's Aki!!!
Farhan: OH MY GOD HI!

I really miss working with him. He's really quiet at first but he has such a crude sense of humour that I really really can't stop laughing at HAHAHA Can't wait to meet him for dinner soon n____n

On the train, a mother passed this really pretty tribal printed cloth (which i initially assumed to be a scarf) to her 2 year old son. The child meddled with it as the mother packed her bag and it turned out to be his small cardigan.

I was just looking at the child, looking at how he turns the cloth over and over in his small dainty hands, probably figuring out how to wear it. Finally, he was able to put in on with some assistance from his mother.

At that time, I was really intently staring at how the child was really smart to even try to figure things out on his own, without just blatantly expecting his mother to help him. At the same time, the child saw me staring at him, and he looked straight at my eyes. I smiled a little, so did he. We just kept on smiling at each other until I turned away like a shy girl. I stole glances at him to see if he was still looking at me. He still was staring until about a stop later.

It was a heartwarming moment for me. I really love it when kids smile at me, just by me smiling back at them.

This also made me think of smiling as one of the universally accepted expressions as a sign of happiness. It is so simple to make someone else smile, smile at them! (I'm talking about those genuine smiles by the way, not the pedo-smiles)

So smile, and make someone's day. Like the child did to mine.

Hi.

Labels: 2NE1, k:drama, points

Perched behind this counter,
I watch as strangers pass by.
Emotions plastered on their faces make me wonder,
About the stories they hold deep inside.

Day in day out, our lives become routined,
This fast paced society starts to kill us all.
Will there even be time for me to dream?
Or will that just cause me my fall?

(written in a moment of extreme boredom and a need to feel philosophical why oh why oh why)

Labels: Flamboyantly phrased

A few days back, I took it upon myself to start watching my kdramas again. And so I decided to watch Heartstrings. Ok, I swear that I thought that the lead actress is Yoon Eun Hye, BUT NO, it is actually Park Shin Hye! THEY LOOK THE EXACT SAME I CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE ANYMORE NOOOOOOZ And this also shows how long I have been out of kpop. Too long.

I've been procrastinating this back-to-kdrama post for quite a while and this is what I've been meaning to write.

There was a point in my life that Korean entertainment was an outlet for me to indulge it and at the same time, forget whatever problems I had at that moment. Basically, it was all dramas, songs, reality tv.... anything Korean. Real life had barely any space for me there. All I ever did was sleep, eat, go to school, get back home and watch whatever I could get my hands on. And watching these dramas, even though I felt happy, sad or angry, some of it I had yet to be able to relate it to my own life. Because technically, my life was what I pictured it to be in dramas (which no I do not want my life to be a drama any more)

Then I dropped out of what I call a 'phase'. Well, to me it is a phase, but I don't know about other people. I started working 6days/ week back then (that was in January 2011) and I absolutely had no time or energy to stay up and check on all the updates. So gradually, I lost the momentum of being in this scene. And then everything else caught up. I realized 'Wow, there is so much to do around me and yet here I am wishing that my beloved idols would know I exist'. (I still do get a thrill from seeing them in real life though) But then so, I knew it was time for me to grow up and see the world for myself, and not just through camera lenses. And so I did.

Now, watching this drama, it seems that my emotions are more controlled, no crazy screaming as of yet.... I think haha It's like I knew what will happen, I can predict it, and I also know that it might not happen in my life. I don't know how to phrase what I actually want to get to, I am really horrible at expressing myself now. Alright so, watching Heartstrings, sigh it's like I've been there, done that but the ending for me isn't the same yknow?

Okay I will end there because I really want to finish my drama!!!

Labels: bottomless pit kind of deep, k:drama

A: what it be mothafucka
Me: what it beeeeee
A: eh where are you at now?
Me: uhhhhh home?
A: you mean you never go to school at all?!?!
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAH ooooops yah
A: walao thought wanna take train home with you sia!
Me: HOME? WHAT HOME?
A: SINCE YOU HOME ALREADY, NO NEED LA. B Y E /hangs up

Ah, what nice friends I have hahahahahha

Labels: conversations

Moved to ethereal-fervor.blogspot.com

Labels: the end

It's the things that I tell myself that get me through the bad times. And when the words don't work, my self-esteem seems to take a one-way plunge to the bottom of the sea. So my words have to work.

I will get through this. I will be alright. I always survive. Always.

Been in really deep shit these past few weeks. Swore to myself I won't let it happen to me again but wait, my brain refuses to switch on to full throttle mode to manage myself between SCHOOL WORK, work as chairman for Poly50 and actual work. I need to keep to my damn schedules!!!!

Apart from that, yes it's another episode of heart/love/feeling issues... Sigh when will this ever stop?

I really don't know if I do like him, or not. The fact that we've been in really close contact these couple of weeks, physically and maybe, emotionally, is quite enough to make me think about what kind of relationship we actually have. Explicitly, we are just friends but to me, I feel that it could go to more than friends if I let it be. Haha after the previous episode, I wouldn't want a relapse of the same thing, especially since I know this current person is a major player (everyone agrees, no fight there).

In this case, my brain fully has control of my heart. I've just been playing along with the words and hearts thrown around, like the guys who talk to me always do. And honestly, it feels less burdensome to think that 'hey these hearts are not gonna mean anything one day so don't put your damn hope on it'. I feel bad sometimes but that guilt doesn't last long.

What got me wondering if I really do like him is when I actually started to legitly dream about him, at least once every 2-3 nights. Creepy? Yes I think so too. And in every dream, he's a cameo in a different role. Like just the other night, he was my long lost elder brother in a family drama. What is up with that? I did have an infatuation with him before but it lasted only a couple of days, nothing substantial.

Man I need to get this shit figured out and my shit together. It's just haywire.

Closure.







I blasted this song in sports club yesterday and people were surprised that I like raps like these. I do, hahah I do like to surprise people. So yes, this song has been on replay like 678231963701 times, maybe even more hahaha
- 
ok fine the reason I needed to blog is cause I think I'm done with ranting on my twitter. Too many people follow me there, I don't need the whole world to know the shit I face through. But then again, the shit I face might not be as bad as others do, though it's slowly killing me.
-
I'm always there for the people who need me. I'm willing to go down anywhere to cheer them up, skip class for them, sing for them, make them laugh, but honestly, everyone that I've done that for, how many of you have done the same for me?

 I've only remembered once, and she made it a point to come all the way to near my house when I just called her (maybe I was sobbing) and all I had to do was say 'Can I meet you now? I really really need to talk to someone right now' and she didn't ask much and said 'Where are you now? I'm at Jurong, I'll be there as soon as I can.' Only once, and that time, it enforced my belief that she's truly a friend to have for life, and right now I'm missing you like bad, but I don't want to disturb you while you're focusing on school.

And then too many other times I met the person to their convenience to cheer them up, not even having to bat an eyelid because I know they need someone to be there, beside them at that time. I know how it feels to feel like a hollow stuck in the middle of this world, with absolutely no one to rely on, just feeling really lost and confused and hopeless. I know. That's why I made it a point that none of my most loved ones should never feel like that, no matter the time, distance and my personal situation.

 But when I need to spend time with them the most? Hah, don't even think about it Aki. People can rely on you for their happiness, but you? You can never rely too much on anyone, even if they say 'you know you can tell me anything!' They are always busy. We're all busy. Everyone's fucking busy. Well then. Fuck this man, I'm going to deal on my own. How even what ever. What it takes, I will figure out how to do this shit ok. On my own. Cause everyone else is just so motherfucking busy with their fucking school, their fucking work, fucking other friends. Fine sure, like I'm not.

 It's fucking tiring sometimes to always give people advice and try so hard to cheer them up when my own life is a fucked up mess. I don't even believe in myself anymore and as I'm typing this, my throat's all choked up and my tears are threatening to spill. It's always me for myself.

Has been, is and will always be. And this time, no more encouragement for myself. I'm just gonna say 'fuck this shit, kill it and maybe kill yourself at the same, if you even dare to.'

ok bye that was highly depressing.
-
I am really dying inside but these words probably mean nothing to you.

Labels: what is this

So I decided to give Farhan a surprise call on Friday night (take note that he does not have my number but I have his)

Me: HIIII GUESS WHOOOOO
Farhan: I think you've got the wrong number...
Me: Isn't this Farhan? (I recognised his voice)
Farhan: uhhhhh who's Farhan? I think you got the wrong number.
Me: Ok fine isn't this Andi Dakota? (that's his fb name btw haha)
Farhan: LOL YES HAHA WHO IS THIS
Me: hahahahhaahha idiot I asked you to guess!
Farhan: I REALLY DON'T KNOW
Me: it's Aki!!!
Farhan: OH MY GOD HI!

I really miss working with him. He's really quiet at first but he has such a crude sense of humour that I really really can't stop laughing at HAHAHA Can't wait to meet him for dinner soon n____n

On the train, a mother passed this really pretty tribal printed cloth (which i initially assumed to be a scarf) to her 2 year old son. The child meddled with it as the mother packed her bag and it turned out to be his small cardigan.

I was just looking at the child, looking at how he turns the cloth over and over in his small dainty hands, probably figuring out how to wear it. Finally, he was able to put in on with some assistance from his mother.

At that time, I was really intently staring at how the child was really smart to even try to figure things out on his own, without just blatantly expecting his mother to help him. At the same time, the child saw me staring at him, and he looked straight at my eyes. I smiled a little, so did he. We just kept on smiling at each other until I turned away like a shy girl. I stole glances at him to see if he was still looking at me. He still was staring until about a stop later.

It was a heartwarming moment for me. I really love it when kids smile at me, just by me smiling back at them.

This also made me think of smiling as one of the universally accepted expressions as a sign of happiness. It is so simple to make someone else smile, smile at them! (I'm talking about those genuine smiles by the way, not the pedo-smiles)

So smile, and make someone's day. Like the child did to mine.

Hi.

Labels: 2NE1, k:drama, points

Perched behind this counter,
I watch as strangers pass by.
Emotions plastered on their faces make me wonder,
About the stories they hold deep inside.

Day in day out, our lives become routined,
This fast paced society starts to kill us all.
Will there even be time for me to dream?
Or will that just cause me my fall?

(written in a moment of extreme boredom and a need to feel philosophical why oh why oh why)

Labels: Flamboyantly phrased

A few days back, I took it upon myself to start watching my kdramas again. And so I decided to watch Heartstrings. Ok, I swear that I thought that the lead actress is Yoon Eun Hye, BUT NO, it is actually Park Shin Hye! THEY LOOK THE EXACT SAME I CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE ANYMORE NOOOOOOZ And this also shows how long I have been out of kpop. Too long.

I've been procrastinating this back-to-kdrama post for quite a while and this is what I've been meaning to write.

There was a point in my life that Korean entertainment was an outlet for me to indulge it and at the same time, forget whatever problems I had at that moment. Basically, it was all dramas, songs, reality tv.... anything Korean. Real life had barely any space for me there. All I ever did was sleep, eat, go to school, get back home and watch whatever I could get my hands on. And watching these dramas, even though I felt happy, sad or angry, some of it I had yet to be able to relate it to my own life. Because technically, my life was what I pictured it to be in dramas (which no I do not want my life to be a drama any more)

Then I dropped out of what I call a 'phase'. Well, to me it is a phase, but I don't know about other people. I started working 6days/ week back then (that was in January 2011) and I absolutely had no time or energy to stay up and check on all the updates. So gradually, I lost the momentum of being in this scene. And then everything else caught up. I realized 'Wow, there is so much to do around me and yet here I am wishing that my beloved idols would know I exist'. (I still do get a thrill from seeing them in real life though) But then so, I knew it was time for me to grow up and see the world for myself, and not just through camera lenses. And so I did.

Now, watching this drama, it seems that my emotions are more controlled, no crazy screaming as of yet.... I think haha It's like I knew what will happen, I can predict it, and I also know that it might not happen in my life. I don't know how to phrase what I actually want to get to, I am really horrible at expressing myself now. Alright so, watching Heartstrings, sigh it's like I've been there, done that but the ending for me isn't the same yknow?

Okay I will end there because I really want to finish my drama!!!

Labels: bottomless pit kind of deep, k:drama

A: what it be mothafucka
Me: what it beeeeee
A: eh where are you at now?
Me: uhhhhh home?
A: you mean you never go to school at all?!?!
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAH ooooops yah
A: walao thought wanna take train home with you sia!
Me: HOME? WHAT HOME?
A: SINCE YOU HOME ALREADY, NO NEED LA. B Y E /hangs up

Ah, what nice friends I have hahahahahha

Labels: conversations